Many women of all ages, weights, heights, and backgrounds lift at Chicago Strength & Conditioning. Before we started lifting here, we were all fragile, sweet, and movie star skinny. Since joining Chicago S&C, something weird has happened.
Every single one of us is now masculine, aggressive, and bulky. Like Gaston from Beauty of the Beast bulky.
We don’t even know how it happened.
At our most recent Bulky Women With HUGE Muscles meeting (BWWHM for short), the Chicago S&C women started an important dialogue with each other about how this happened to us and how we can prevent it from happening to other innocent women.
Christina, who is squatting more than 1.5 times her body weight for multiple sets, started off the conversation. Unfortunately, as she reached for her coffee, her bulging bicep, filled with large and disgusting veins, flexed, causing her t-shirt to rip and she left to go cry in the corner.
So Nirvi, who PRs every week these days, took over the discussion. “I am actually thinking about it from the positive perspective. I think there is a way to make money off of this thing.”
“Money!?,” Margaret, who started lifting in her fifties and recently benched over 60 pounds for a 3X5, nearly shouted. “If you have an idea that can make us money, I am in! I need a whole new wardrobe.” Margaret leapt up, wearing a skirt because her 22 inch quads had forced her to throw away all of her pants.
“There really is something to this,” Nicole, who is widely expected to have the best squat in the gym soon even though she has only been lifting for a few months, chimed in. “Even though none of us takes steroids, has genetically high testosterone, eats the diet, engages in the training, or leads the meticulously crafted lifestyle that any female human would absolutely have to lead to fundamentally change their body composition and add substantial muscle, we have somehow become Arnold Schwarzenegger level muscular in the span of just a few months.”
“That’s right,” said Carla, who recently had to sell her interior design business because she has become more interested in masculine pursuits like monster truck rallies and woodworking since she started lifting. “Body builders dedicate hours of training time, pay nutrition coaches thousands of dollars, and often still can’t achieve the level of muscle needed to be competitive. Yet, here we have done it inadvertently by just lifting a barbell three times a week.”
“I don’t know how you guys can be so positive about this,” I interjected. “Getting this massive has ruined my life. I was supposed to get married in the fall but my fiancé left me because my boobs have been replaced with giant muscular pectoral man tits. And now my new dick gets in the way when I deadlift.”
Between her fits of sobbing from the other side of the room, Christina had started to become suspicious. While everyone else was busy talking, Christina noticed that Caitlyn had been sitting silently this entire time, looking sketchy and refusing to make eye contact with anyone. She must be up to something, Christina concluded.
Christina lunged for Caitlyn’s bag as everyone stared at her chiseled calves. “AHA! Steroids! Caitlyn has been dosing us this entire time!”
Caitlyn shrugged. “What can I say? I enjoy spending time with you ladies and I thought that if the rest of the word alienated us for our bulkiness that we would become extra close.”
“Fair enough,” Nirvi stated. Everyone nodded in agreement and then Margaret challenged everyone to an arm wrestling competition.